Funny things heard on CB

I'm sure I don't live anywhere near anyone that's posted here so far , and yet I've heard most of what's been posted happen right here where I live over the last 15 years . LMAO

Anyway, here's just one story from my CB days of the past :

We use to have a man that would get up in the morning stroll down to the local Liquor store and buy a 1 gallon bottle of Vodka . By night time , he was good and Drunk . The whole time he was working on emptying that bottle , he was talking on the CB, a lot of really interesting stories and conversations came from him and that bottle . The one thing about him was he'd start an argument with somebody and always say this :

"Why don't you come over here to my Tee-Pee , and we'll discuss this Man to Man" .

Why was it funny ? First because of how he said it , and second because he didn't have one single drop of Indian in him anywhere . Anyway , he'd pass out ... wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

ANL? Squelch?

I got a kick out of a guy who said he was using his "Automatic Noise Liminator" to get rid of the noise.

Another time, Station 1 was wondering why he couldn't hear Station 2. Station 1 says, "I can't hear you. Do you have your squelch turned up?"

HUH?

well I don't know about funny things I hear on the radio but, the damndest thing I have heard on this work bench was a past customer shipped me a radio for repair and he told me that his RX was really low and he could hardly hear anyone, he thought maybe a receive gain amp might help...

so after I received the unit, put it on the bench and made sure that everything was in working order, like the squelch, mic gain, RF Gain, etc.

everything looked good, I did notice the squelch and the RF Gain was turned back quite back though. not odd however, most of the radios I get in the mail for repair are shipped with the power switch on, whatever that's done for who knows, but, anyway...

I emailed him back and told him the units tests just fine and I don't see any issues other than the RF Gain should be kept up to 8-10, he said, "I turn the RF Gain back to cut out the static"

Weak receive issue solved and it only cost him $20.00 for shipping both ways...

Bump-Bump!

This happened on the Ham bands though it was funny to listen to. I was listening to a group of old guys talking and the whole time you could hear someone snoring. I thought someone was trying to interfere with them. After a bit they all started laughing as it was one of the guys in the group. He fell asleep with his "vox" on. It was funny because one guy called him to wake him up and you could hear the phone ringing and him wake up and answer it . Then it went dead. LOL !

Well..over the years i have heard many funny things on cb..
but..have also used CB in funny ways..

back in the mid 80's i used CB ( an Ar3500 high power radio) on 2 different occasions to get out of speeding tickets.

was pulled over for speeding ( as was typical back then )..
got the typical,let me see license and registration..
sure officer..here you go...

he walks back to his squad car parked in front of me..
( now mind you i had a penetrator D2600 large coil antenna on my roof with a huge mag mount for it..using a astatic D104-M6 power mike with tone and the 100 watt version of the AR3500/AR3300)

So as soon as he was back in his car...i turned on the radio & keyed up the mike ( but didnt speak) and simply held it there..

After about 5 mins the cop got out of his car and came up to me (of course i had turned it off and played all innocent)
The cop said/asked...Are you talking on that CB..
Ahh...no...why ?
Your not talking on it...
Ahh no...why ??
well ok...do not talk on the CB !!
Ahh well..ok

Walks back to his car and gets back in and yep...on goes my radio and i dead key the mike (being sure to keep the mike low below the dash)..after this time about 2 mins , i clearly see the cop moving all about in his car and banging his mike all over his seats and dash ( lol)

So he gets out (i turn the radio off) and he comes back to my car...
Saying..i thought i told you not to tak on your CB..
You did say that..and i am not now ( or before when you asked me) talking on this radio..
he repeats what he said...i repeat what i said..

Then he steps back..and looks at the huge antenna on the roof of my 83 capri...now he is clearly in bewilderment..then looks though my window and sees the AR3500/AR3300 (100 watt version) & says...

what sort of CB is that..
i said...Ahh...i dont know...my brother insited on putting it in here..said i might need it for emergency's ( was not yet such thing as cel phones)..

He was like...what...
so i shrugged my shoulders..
turn it on he says...
i look at him...saying i am unsure how to do so..

Turn it on he now said loudly..
i make like i am stuggling to figure it out..and then by the 4th/5th switch..bam..it turns on ( lol )

Now he looks totally befuddled because it does not say channel 19
(even though it was on channel 19) but the direct frequency 27185

He said..what is that...
i said..see...told you...this thing not make sence...i thought cb was to say channel 18 or 3 or whatever..right ? ( lol )

Ahh yeah he said...what is that..
No idea...some type of cb i think...my brother said anyway (hehe)

Humm..you talking on that thing..
Ahh nope..i not know how to use it and am a bit afraid of it..it not make sense to me..

ahh well...you talking on it ?
No Officer i said ( now loudly with a bit of attitude )

Well...how is your licence... any tickets on it...
well not that i know...you would know better then me

Cop says...ahh well...my radio isnt working...you sure you not talking on that thing..

well you can ask me a 100 times and still will be no..like i told you every time you asked

well...have a good day then...i have to return to the station...i can not hear head quarters and have no idea if they can here me..have a good day..and away he went to his car...got in and drove off

But i turned the radio on and dead keyed it again...as i drove off directly behind him....he pulled off a exit a couple miles later ( i was behind him the whole time with a dead key ( lol )....i knew it was then a matter of seconds to mins at best before he reasized ( or maybe if he ever even realized what had happened)

Now to be fair..
the cop station/department was the one of the few ( and only one i still know of using HF and not vhf or uhf for their frequencies (around 32 mhz)

Nearly exactly same thing happened a few months later ( and nearly in the exact spot i was pulled over the 1st time...lol)

DX guy said he was in the bushes with Santa Clause

KingCobra_CDX882 said:

Well..over the years i have heard many funny things on cb..
but..have also used CB in funny ways..

back in the mid 80's i used CB ( an Ar3500 high power radio) on 2 different occasions to get out of speeding tickets.

was pulled over for speeding ( as was typical back then )..
got the typical,let me see license and registration..
sure officer..here you go...

he walks back to his squad car parked in front of me..
( now mind you i had a penetrator D2600 large coil antenna on my roof with a huge mag mount for it..using a astatic D104-M6 power mike with tone and the 100 watt version of the AR3500/AR3300)

So as soon as he was back in his car...i turned on the radio & keyed up the mike ( but didnt speak) and simply held it there..

After about 5 mins the cop got out of his car and came up to me (of course i had turned it off and played all innocent)
The cop said/asked...Are you talking on that CB..
Ahh...no...why ?
Your not talking on it...
Ahh no...why ??
well ok...do not talk on the CB !!
Ahh well..ok

Walks back to his car and gets back in and yep...on goes my radio and i dead key the mike (being sure to keep the mike low below the dash)..after this time about 2 mins , i clearly see the cop moving all about in his car and banging his mike all over his seats and dash ( lol)

So he gets out (i turn the radio off) and he comes back to my car...
Saying..i thought i told you not to tak on your CB..
You did say that..and i am not now ( or before when you asked me) talking on this radio..
he repeats what he said...i repeat what i said..

Then he steps back..and looks at the huge antenna on the roof of my 83 capri...now he is clearly in bewilderment..then looks though my window and sees the AR3500/AR3300 (100 watt version) & says...

what sort of CB is that..
i said...Ahh...i dont know...my brother insited on putting it in here..said i might need it for emergency's ( was not yet such thing as cel phones)..

He was like...what...
so i shrugged my shoulders..
turn it on he says...
i look at him...saying i am unsure how to do so..

Turn it on he now said loudly..
i make like i am stuggling to figure it out..and then by the 4th/5th switch..bam..it turns on ( lol )

Now he looks totally befuddled because it does not say channel 19
(even though it was on channel 19) but the direct frequency 27185

He said..what is that...
i said..see...told you...this thing not make sence...i thought cb was to say channel 18 or 3 or whatever..right ? ( lol )

Ahh yeah he said...what is that..
No idea...some type of cb i think...my brother said anyway (hehe)

Humm..you talking on that thing..
Ahh nope..i not know how to use it and am a bit afraid of it..it not make sense to me..

ahh well...you talking on it ?
No Officer i said ( now loudly with a bit of attitude )

Well...how is your licence... any tickets on it...
well not that i know...you would know better then me

Cop says...ahh well...my radio isnt working...you sure you not talking on that thing..

well you can ask me a 100 times and still will be no..like i told you every time you asked

well...have a good day then...i have to return to the station...i can not hear head quarters and have no idea if they can here me..have a good day..and away he went to his car...got in and drove off

But i turned the radio on and dead keyed it again...as i drove off directly behind him....he pulled off a exit a couple miles later ( i was behind him the whole time with a dead key ( lol )....i knew it was then a matter of seconds to mins at best before he reasized ( or maybe if he ever even realized what had happened)

Now to be fair..
the cop station/department was the one of the few ( and only one i still know of using HF and not vhf or uhf for their frequencies (around 32 mhz)

Nearly exactly same thing happened a few months later ( and nearly in the exact spot i was pulled over the 1st time...lol)

Click to expand...

BRILLIANT! ABSO-FRIGGIN'-LUTELY BRILLIANT! LOL for real!

-

Well...
Not all cops are bad...
Is sometimes easy to spot the less then smart ones...LOL

Oh and for the Record..
I Never lied to the cop....

I did clearly say...No i am not "talking" on the cb
i was dead keying...but i sure as heck was not talking....LOL

As Always...if one used their nugan/head then one can find a weakness in another person and exploit it..

I do so Daily....LOL

and....2CO3026....Thanks

I have another funny COP story..

but this one has nothing to do with using a CB..
but does have to do with getting out of a speeding ticket..LOL

Seems back in the 80's..i had a Extreme Lead Foot and as a result was pulled over often for speeding

Anyways..
was in upstate ny..was pulling into a generic 7 eleven..
when i noticed a town/county cop pulling out and heading down the road..
I said to myself...ahh ok...he will be about 1/2 mile up and be behind so and so sign..

I go about getting lunch and a few mins later pull out of the lot...
turning up the street and Zume..i am buzzing up the street..

Whoshhh...right past the darn Cop ( Dang i thought )

Well i was in a 83 capri and that was a rather decent handling car
but was lack luster in speed (well not as fast as my porsche anyways) but...

I figured...i can run this cop...he likely does not know how to drive that good...and so...Zoom Zoom and i was gone..

Now the 2 of us were speeding from 45 to 90 up these straights and around various curves..
every curve i easily lost the cop ( in his heavy and poor handling cruiser)...but every straight away he was quickly on my ass again..

So we were rather evenly matched...turns out he was a decent driver after all....but i continued...several miles later and now going down the other side of the mountian..i knew this was going nowhere and in another few miles would be in the next town where he likely would get or have help waiting for me..

So...i saw a place to pull over finally (mind you this was a county hwy with up to 55 mph but only one lane each direction..no side walks and nowhere to even pull over) so it came to me...

I place to pull over ( hehe) and i slammed on my brakes and barely pulled into this tiny area one could pull over in..

Well seems the heavy cop cruiser and or the cop was not used to stopping so fast ( hehe) and he slammed on his brakes also but stopped about 100 ft past where i had pulled over..

Well i am sure he was pissed...for i could not see his car as he put it in reverse and i lost sight of his car in a massive set of laying rubber and tire smoking...

of course i simply stayed where i was..pulled over and all...
well the cop backed up past me and stopped some 20 ft behind me
unable to pull into the small area i managed to pull off the side of the road...

i sat simply like everything was A OK..
Dang was that COP PISSED..i swear i could see the steam coming from his nose and mouth ( lol )..
i simply waited..

He walked up to my car and i thought he was going to smash the side of my window in ( did i mention how pissed he looked...LOL )

so i quickly rolled down my window (no power windows..had to crank it open)....

Well he was about to bellow and yell ( looked more like he was going to blow up actually..lol ) and i said...oh hi....Ahh...
Can i help you officer ( in the straightest voice i could and in a steady almost low voice)..

I Got the...What the hell you crazy yada yada yada ( i am sure you can guess what he was saying...LOL )

ahh....why...what is the matter officer... (lol )...

You mo tho yada yada yada ( said the officer...lol)do you know how fast you were going...

Ahh no sir..i was too busy speading as fast as i could...
You ahh....well you had me driving like a nut...

What the Bleeping bleeping crap you talking about....
(lol...this cop was still ready to blow,i was waiting to see his head
simply fly and pop right off and go flying up into the air)

Ahh...well...you know the 7 eleven back there...the one you were pulling out of...as i pulled in...

What the bleeping bleeping crap you talking about..
You know...the 7 eleven you pulled out of while drinking a coffee..

Ah well yes...What the Bleeping bling blang does that have to do with anything...

Well...i knew you would be sitting behind that sign...i drive past that sign several times at least every day...but....i am having problems with the carberator..

So ( the cop said..seeming a bit bit not totally recovered from being crazy angry)..

Well...i do not get good acceleration at all..and was simply trying to get a bit speed up...for going up the mountian..

So...why were you driving so crazy fast ( he asked )

Well i wasnt planning to drive so fast...but then i say you behind me...with all those lights...and well....

Well what he said...

Well...i had trouble getting out of your way....i clearly saw you were on some emergency call...and there was no where to pull over...so i had my hands full driving like a nut trying to keep out of your way....i tried a couple of times before going in a turn for you to pass me....but i guess you could not see if anyone was coming down the other side...

What are you talking about he asked
( i knew i had him now...for he was no longer mad sounding...but sounded confused...cops do not think well when they are confused...lol...they are apparently not taught how to handle a cituation once they are confused..lol)

well i darn near lost it a few times...my car handles ok i guess...but i do not have the suspension your cruiser likely has and with my carburetor all screwed up..well was all i could do to keep from slowing you down while you were on emergency call....you know this is not a fast car...

himm...the 7 eleven...i not remember seeing you..

I was the black capri...you must have seen me ( hehe )

Ahh yes...i did see you pulling in...

Well i knew you were going 1/2 mile up to behind that sign....Right..?

Yes and i did...

I knew that and knew you would be there...but
i only was getting a bit of speed up...so i could get u the mountian ok....this carb is shot...you want to drive it?

Ahh no...

Well i did all i could to keep from being in your way...
i pulled over on the very 1st spot i saw..

i got very confused..when you stopped and backed up...
i didnt know what you were doing ( said in a worried higher pitched voice)..

Really...try driving my car...just please...be careful...it is likely not safe if your not used to it....i have the carb on order over a month already...

then i SHUT THE HELL UP ( because now....1st one who talks loses...lol)

maybe a min of silence passed (seemed longer though)
the cop said...

Well....i will tell you this once and never again...
I had better never ever see you again...do you understand...for
if i even see your ass again..i will arrest you...do you understand me ?..

Ahh..well ok..
( and i looked a bit confused)

He looked at me...turned to walk to his car..and as he was walking away..he was shaking his head...muttering who knows what (bet i could guess though...lol)

doctor spackel

heard someone playing icecream truck music...Holy annoying

palomar vc 100 had the ice cream music, man i miss mine

KingCobra, did you learn it from Hunter S Thompson?

YouTube - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Highway Traffic Cop

one time the channel was super quite for bout an hour an a guy broke in and said ''i aint never heard so many sand baggers at one time on this channel''..

I got a pretty good laugh last night on 38LSB. One of the guys I used to talk with on the radio years ago popped up out of nowhere. I haven't heard this guy in about 10-12 years. Anyway, he started telling us (me and a couple other guys) about how he had spent the last few years going to school and learning all about radios, how they work and how to fix them. He was bragging on how he had just finished fixing the radio he was talking on and how perfect it was set up. I had to turn the clarifier on the 2000gtl to about 2 o'clock to dial him in. One of the other guys made a comment that he thought the radio wasn't aligned properly because he also had to make major adjustments to his clarifier to dial him in. We were informed that his radio was dead nut on frequency, and that if we had to adjust our clarifiers that our radios were off and needed to be aligned. It didn't matter that we were talking crystal clear earlier with our clarifiers at 12 o'clock - our radios needed fixing. Then a comment was made about him using a roger beep for local talking, and that they were only good for indicating the end of your transmission during rough conditions. This guy proceeded to give us his take on them. We were informed that roger beeps were beneficial to your transmission, and that they actually increased your audio signal. In fact, that is why NASA started using them - to make sure their signal was strong enough to make it between the earth and moon. I was damn near busting a gut...lol. Then he offered to 'fix' our radios so they would be on frequency and have better modualtion by installing a roger beep in them. We all politely declined...lol...