STORY TIME!!

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Ok this may not be as funny but it's the latest goof up I've had. So about 4 or 5 months ago I'm in Walmart killing time while I waited for a prescription to be filled. And so I'm strolling around and I see the wife of a friend of mine that I used to work with. I haven't seen her in about 6 or 7 years so I stopped at the end of the isle she was on and took a minute to make sure she was who I thought she was. So I'm like alright 5ft nothing, blonde, and the right build, yep that Shana . So I walked up to her basket and she's really concentrating on some items on the shelf so I stand there a second to see if she notices me, nothing she's still zoned in on whatever she's looking at and has one hand on her basket. So to get her attention I grab the basket and wank it away from her, kind of startled she looks up at me and I said what are you doing here . And she smiled and asked me the same thing and I answered killing time waiting for a prescription to get filled, I haven't seen you in forever . ( her) I know it has been a long time. (Me) well you haven't changed much you look fantastic! ( her) and you look good too. Then she went to hug me but I noticed a little hesitation, then she comes on in for a hug and for a split second I think to myself maybe this isn't who I think, naaaaw she's hugging me no one would hug a complete stranger. Then she says I'm Ruthy, so we're still hugging and I now in total shock reply I'm embarrassed because I have no earthly idea who you are, I'm sorry I'll quit hugging you. So we released our embrace and I step back, i can feel my face is flush from embarrassment and said I'm so sorry I thought you where someone else. Then to my surprise as if couldn't be more surprised she says awe don't worry about it the complements were nice, you've made my day. So I apologize again and said well I'm glad I made your day and your not having me arrested about now, Then I introduced myself and assured her I normally don't hug strangers, and that I was truly sorry. She just laughed and said don't worry about, like I said you made my day. So I turned around and walked away thinking how do I get myself into these situations, o well at least she was an attractive stranger.

 

[Redbeard U812]

Ok this may not be as funny but it's the latest goof up I've had. So about 4 or 5 months ago I'm in Walmart killing time while I waited for a prescription to be filled. And so I'm strolling around and I see the wife of a friend of mine that I used to work with. I haven't seen her in about 6 or 7 years so I stopped at the end of the isle she was on and took a minute to make sure she was who I thought she was. So I'm like alright 5ft nothing, blonde, and the right build, yep that Shana . So I walked up to her basket and she's really concentrating on some items on the shelf so I stand there a second to see if she notices me, nothing she's still zoned in on whatever she's looking at and has one hand on her basket. So to get her attention I grab the basket and wank it away from her, kind of startled she looks up at me and I said what are you doing here . And she smiled and asked me the same thing and I answered killing time waiting for a prescription to get filled, I haven't seen you in forever . ( her) I know it has been a long time. (Me) well you haven't changed much you look fantastic! ( her) and you look good too. Then she went to hug me but I noticed a little hesitation, then she comes on in for a hug and for a split second I think to myself maybe this isn't who I think, naaaaw she's hugging me no one would hug a complete stranger. Then she says I'm Ruthy, so we're still hugging and I now in total shock reply I'm embarrassed because I have no earthly idea who you are, I'm sorry I'll quit hugging you. So we released our embrace and I step back, i can feel my face is flush from embarrassment and said I'm so sorry I thought you where someone else. Then to my surprise as if couldn't be more surprised she says awe don't worry about it the complements were nice, you've made my day. So I apologize again and said well I'm glad I made your day and your not having me arrested about now, Then I introduced myself and assured her I normally don't hug strangers, and that I was truly sorry. She just laughed and said don't worry about, like I said you made my day. So I turned around and walked away thinking how do I get myself into these situations, o well at least she was an attractive stranger.

Well.....Did you at least get her number?

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Well.....Did you at least get her number?

No I was just hoping no one recognized me, and I certainly was telling the wife about this screw up.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

No I was just hoping no one recognized me, and I certainly was telling the wife about this screw up.

No need to screw up a 32 year marriage, I've got to much invested to have to start over. Lol and on top of that I'm not interested in starting over.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

I've got more stories to tell and believe it or not they are all true, some are just terrible blunders I've made, some are just are just stupid things that happened in High school. The three I have planned to tell next I have actually given titles to over the years, and they are THE GREAT TOLIT PAPER CAPPER.
HEY DICK HEAD.
NEVER WEAR PURPLE PLAID SHORTS TO A PORN0 SHOP

 

[Mudfoot]

Well.....Did you at least get her number?

That's what I was going to ask.

 

[357magnum]

This might seem cruel to some people & I will apologize in advance to everyone that might be offended , but he'res the story . Iv'e been on farms a lot of my life , first Dairy Farm I worked on we had Wood Chuck problems , Cow's would start running back from pasture to be fed & milked & a few broke their legs . We had Wood Chuck Bombs , but the supply was getting short . We would go out on a full moon , stand over the hole , makes some noise w/ our mouth , chuck would stick it's head out , done deal , no bombs w/ a Base ball Bat . Then that was that one night that Skunk stuck his head out of that Chuck Hole ... No more Club hunting for me after that !

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Ok this one happened when I worked at Baldor Electric, the bathroom stalls at that time were tiny, I mean it was like trying to use the bathroom in a small broom closet. So if the guy next to you took a wide stance on the pot his work boots were literally part way in your stall. So it's time to take care of my paperwork if you know what I mean, so I get my toilet paper ready I fold it in squares don't know why done it all my life, well anyway I make the first swipe and somehow someway lose the handle on the toilet paper it flipped up in the air and bounced off the toilet paper dispenser ( couldn't have done it if I had tried) and lands on the toe of the work boot of the guy in the next stall, so I go into turbo mode trying to finish up and I guess he finally noticed it and wildly kicked it off back into my stall while I frantically pulled up my pants gave the flush handle a kick Bruce Lee would of been proud of and ran out of the bathroom back to my work station. To this day I have no idea who he was and I hope he never found out it was me.

 

[Tallman]

We were a poor family because my dad was a bit of a desperado. Tried buying and selling cars and lost money on every deal he made. He landed one job and stayed with it for 33 years. Still not much money because he kept looking that one good car flip or something to score big time.
So most of our meals did not contain meat and the usual fare was corn bread and beans. Navy peas, white northern, Pinto, Lima beans. Not a good diet if you are going a socially strict school, (Read :Catholic School) Church everyday of the week before school and you better not miss church.
After gorging on Pinto beans and corn bread the night before I was so gassy I was really feeling it. Sitting on those hard oak benches was a mistake for me.
I tried my very best to keep the gas in, all that did was increase the pressure.
When I had my "Blow out" I was mortified. I thought for sure The Lord was going to hit me with a lightning so big and so hard it would left a crater all the way down to the core of the Earth.
The acoustics in this church were phenomenal and my shame was echoing for the entire church to hear. Some started laughing uncontrollably and I was wishing for a swift shameless death. After about 15 minutes I felt the rumblings and then the whale song of the tortured guts being forced into new configurations. I got up and bolted for the door heading for the restrooms. I was intercepted by the guard penguin and made to sit on a metal chair. Same thing happened again. The metal chair did not resonate like the oak bench, but still very audible. I got to my feet and went for the door again. The guard penguin was a tad slow this time and I flew past her. Once outside every time my foot touched the ground there was another escape of gas. Just as I sat down on the toilette another explosion happened.
Of course my suitability to attend Catholic School was a topic of discussion between the Mother Superior, the Monsignor, and my mother. After it was decided My diet was at fault and my innards were not demonically possessed I was allowed to continue school.
I still had to deal with my class mates and relatives that went to school there. Most of them thought it was intentional so I challenged them to eat beans for supper every night for a week and see what happens. No takers.

 

[Redbeard U812]

Man, reminded me of Catholic School I attended. Church 3 to 4 times a week. Beans and rice, macaroni and cheese, and chili. I agree those acoustics off those wooden pews were something. Such a big open space but ventilation and air flow were not in the build.

 

[357magnum]

I hear that ! Another Catholic School Attendee here also , the acoustics in church were awesome & always funnier when it happens there ( I'm probably going to hell after this ) not sure about you but w/me Girl's on one side Boy's the other that just aggravated the situation .

 

[WECSOG]

It's a good thing I don't take myself to seriously because I'm always accidentally doing something stupid, so I just laugh at myself and go on. Back in the 80s there was a drive through only burger joint called Graffitis, and the drive through was set up kinda odd both the entrance and exit was on the same side of the building. My wife and I were in town and she wanted to grab something to eat that was quick and we could head on home. So I suggested Graffitis I had eaten lunch from there a few times since the factory I was working at back then was just a couple of blocks away. So I pull in and drive up to the window and stopped, I noticed the 4 or 5 employees inside were looking at me like WHAT THE H??? And thats when I realized I had pulled into the exit. So this girl walks over still looking confused and asked if she could help me, I hold my finger up and said wait a minute and I'll be right back. So I pull on down to the little squawk box and it takes me like 6 tries to get this tank of Delta 88 turned around so we can order, by this time my wife has figured out that I've screwed up, she's embarrassed and pleading for me to just drive off and I'm like no I've come this far I'm getting something to eat. So I push the little button and a voice says welcome to Graffitis may I help you? And I said yes for starters you need to put a BIIIIIIGGGG sign at the entrance so idiot's like me don't pull in the wrong direction, then all you can hear is hysterical laughter coming out from the speaker. My wife looks at me and says they all probably think you're drunk, and I'm like I don't care I'm hungry. So I place my order, then she realizes she's going to be on the side that has to hand over the money and take the food and looks at me and said I'm not getting the food, and I said you have to. So when we get to the window their all still laughing and wiping tears from their eyes and the girl says y'all are the first ones to ever do that, my wife hands her the money and says really loud THAT'S BECAUSE MY HUSBAND IS A MORON!!! NOW GIVE ME THE FOOD SO WE CAN GET THE H#@* OUTTA HERE!!! I think she chewed my butt the entire 20 miles to the house.

That's a good one! Sounds like something I would do. I would have probably handled it differently, though: go ahead and order, get my food and play it off like I did it intentionally, as a joke or something.
I've generally found the straight ahead approach to work well. By the time everyone gets over the shock and confusion, it's over and I'm gone!

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

In my late 20s working at Baldor they would let us wear shorts as long as they came to the top of your knees, most of the guys were wearing denim shorts me I don't have a problem with wearing colors so I had quite a few brightly colored shorts and got several compliments on them from the women in the plant so heck yeah I'll wear em. I should point out at this time I don't pick up on hints to well still don't. I decided I was gonna pick up some movies at Adult World after work one Friday afternoon so I walk in sporting my favorite purple plaid shorts (first mistake) and I never meet a stranger so when I notice this man looking at me I said how you doing and made eye contact when I said it (second mistake). So I stroll through the place looking at the movies on display (VHS tapes) when the same man stops and says you sure look familiar and I make (third mistake) and say I was thinking the same thing about you. Still obviously to anything unusual I keep browsing when I look up and he's straight in front of me looking over the row of movies that's dividing us and says has anyone ever told you that you have a beautiful face? DING DING DING!!! I finally got the hint, and as my stomach began to twist into knots, I slowly reply noooo especially not another man. Then he says Ooooo you do, you should make movies. And I replied Noooo I don't think I need to be making movies, so by this time I've forgotten all about renting movies and just trying to figure out how to get the heck outta there and I didn't mention that this isn't a small place so I make waves away from him and as I get closer to the exit I look around and he's standing in the corner giving me that come either look. ( later found out after the place got busted that's where the extra activity went on) So I make a dash for the exit and I'm thinking to myself if he follows me to the parking lotniki were gonna fight! So a few weeks passed and I thought I would try again to rent some movies, I pull in and scan the parking lot before I get out not a lot of cars so I'm good WRONG! As soon as I walk through the door there he is and he kinda hollers out waving his hand HEY HOW ARE YOU? And I quickly looked around and spotted a movie box with the picture of a woman with gigantic boobs on it held it up in the air shaking it at him and said JUST FINE BUDDY HOW ARE YOU. He left me alone after that thank goodness.
I had told my wife about getting hit on by a man, she found it funnier than I but anyways some months later we went to Hot Springs for the IPOweekend and on the way home she had bought a paper, she started reading an article about a murder it was About a guy that picked up a hitch hiker and they stopped at a motel for the night and the guy tied the hitch hiker up and told him there's no such thing as a free ride. Then went to take a shower, the hitch hiker got loose and when the guy came back from the bathroom the hitch hiker beat him to death. She said here's a picture of the guy that died and shows me the picture, my mouth fell open and she asked what's wrong and I said THAT'S THE GUY THAT HIT ON ME ! Good thing I passed on making a movie. never ever wear purple plaid shorts to a porno shop write that down.

 

[G GOLLY WAlly]

Sorry about some of the fat finger misspelling, it's 4 in the morning here and I should have been in bed along time ago

 

[Tallman]

Not to mention you were in a emotional state.